I need to preface this by saying I honestly believed I had superpowers until I was…oh…
This kind of attitude, paired with parents that were very much of the ‘follow your dreams’, encouraging school; made for a recipe for embarrassing moments. I remember one such experience still very vividly. I think I was about 7 at the time and had just finished school for the day so I had slung my Teenage Ninja Turtles backpack on (using only one strap, because I was a rebel and cared nothing for future back problems) and began the trek home.
As I was walking, one of my classmates shoved past me and knocked me into a ditch in his hurry to chase after an older woman in a very quaint floral dress. I sat there stunned, for a moment and then took a deep breath, closed my eyes. Thought to myself, “What would Wolverine do right now?”
So I cried. Because I landed on the ground pretty rough.
But after that I jumped up and started running after him. The scenery blurred past me, I knew I had to hurry; for if this miscreant would so callously throw me aside, God only knows what he would do to that poor woman! As I sped up the chase an entire story materialized in my head and I just let it take me away….
Tomgor, that devil! Once again, he throws down the gauntlet of injustice at my elementary school! I, Super-Gerrimy will show him the error of his ways in the only way he can understand! With the same powers that his unscrupulous science cursed me with!
I could see him in the distance, he had slowed down and was now keeping pace behind the woman.
Oh no, she has no idea he’s behind her! I must save this innocent! I now understand. The only way I can disrupt this nefarious scheme is to get her attention, distract him and then in the confusion; I’ll stage my attack!
I stop. Put my hands on my hips and stand akimbo, the same superhero pose I practiced in the bathroom mirror so many times.
Arch an eyebrow, give my best hero laugh and say, “TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THAT WOMAN YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Tomgor whips his body around, perplexed as I gesture wildly for the woman to run now, while it’s safe! I don’t believe I can win permanently, but what I do know is that she’ll be safe.
I lower my head, doing my best impression of the bulls that fight in Pomplona and charge him.
Tomgors breath escapes him violently as my legs fly out from under me. I wrap my arms around him and we tumble into the grass, fists flying.
Good, that woman realizes now the danger she was in.
“Get your hands off of him!”
What a fine lady! Even just moments after her life was in mortal peril all she can think of is my safety!
I feel a pressure on the back of my neck and I go flying backwards. I land, staring up at the very woman I just saved as she pulls the boy up and dusts him off.
Later that night, after the mom of the boy and my parents had a long discussion with a lot of words I was told I was to NEVER say; they decided it may be best if I not read any comics for a while.
In retrospect, I think I may have gone a little overboard. That woman certainly didn’t appreciate me attacking her son no more than she did when I implied that she was a bitch.
Me and that boy would wind up being pretty good friends further down the line and that is the story he would tell people when we were together at parties. We would take turns saying who was who when retelling it, just to keep it fresh.
That and both of us wanted to be the hero.
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